Reconciliation and Atonement
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Reconciliation and atonement make up the bulk of thoughts in the mind of Larry Winters. He is a Vietnam Vet who warred with his own mind and soul during his tour of duty in the Marines.
His book spoke directly to me, a former Marine as well. We only live about 7 miles apart, yet I'd never heard of him until a friend mentioned him to me. I was curious to know what a fellow Marine and fellow author who lived so close, might have to say about anything at all. Especially reconciliation with the past. I was very intrigued to know his thoughts.
Being a Marine affects us all differently. There are similarities but contrary to public opinion, or what is done to us in bootcamp, we still retain our unique individualities and these parts of us either accept or do battle with the Marine parts.
This fact greatly influenced the arrival of bipolar disorder in the years after I served. My need for reconciliation between my Marine beliefs and the person I'd become was mighty. I'd failed to do it well, during the first 12 years or so after I'd got out.
I have to say, Larry's book blew me away. I learned that he endured massive childhood trauma, just as I had. His experience as a Marine was similar to mine in certain ways. And not good ways.
There are intense feelings and convictions, and granite hard principles all wrapped up in the head of someone who was in the Marines. Much of it conflicts with itself. This can lead to horrors of the mind and soul that civilians will never know. To be fair, it's just different flavors of pain, really. Anyone can endure Hell without ever having seen a combat zone. I know that and do not wish to downplay anyone's suffering who didn't serve.
But combat, or even just the bull*** one experiences in the military on a daily basis, can be intense on a level that is hard to match. Reconciliation with what you know to be common sense and the extreme lack of it, often found while serving, is hard to come by.
"The Making and Un-Making of a Marine:
One Man's Struggle for Forgiveness"
This book hit home with me on many fronts. It has nothing to do with bipolar disorder and yet, it shows all the ways the foundations for bipolar, PTSD, paranoia, addictions, and all the rest can become set in stone in a vet's mind.
Mental illness is not just there in most cases. It gets built! Larry's book shows how a poor family life, war, and military service can all combine to produce a broken mind.
I met Larry at his home about a year after I'd read his book. I found him to be quite amiable but very powerful. His presence was one of confidence and purpose, but wrapped in good intentions. He runs a program for vets at a nearby hospital and has great results.
His website www.MakingAndUnmaking.com covers a lot of healing territory too. I am glad I got to meet him. Had I not also become an author, this never would have happened. Overcoming my bipolar disorder has led to events like this. (Hint-hint!)
I am proud to be a Marine and so is Larry. Believe me. We both do what we can to help vets but as I focus on bipolar people in general, Larry focuses on vets, primarily. He is a staunch believer in helping vets in any way he can. His position on this is rooted in concrete. His actions in this area speak for themselves.
But I'll end with the confession Larry wrote on the back of his book, as it is poignant and applicable to some of my own ambivalence about being a Marine.
To any brothers or sisters out there who may be reading this, Semper Fi!
| "I'm ashamed that I may not have killed anyone in Vietnam. I'm ashamed that I may have killed someone. I'm proud that I was a Marine. I'm embarassed to tell anyone that I was a Marine. I grew up believing in God and country. In Vietnam I lost my belief in God, and now I distrust anything my country tells me." |
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